As my husband's birthday and my first Mother's Day has been approaching, I've been thinking a lot about marriage. I've thought about our marriage, our friends' marriages, advice we've been given from mentors, and wisdom we've gained from Scripture. Since this topic has been on my mind, I wanted to take some time to reflect on some of the things I've learned about marriage over the past four years. I'm sure that most of you reading know these things, but I wanted to have something to look back on a few years down the road. These are in no particular order. I'll just write in the order that thoughts come to me.
1. A simple piece of wisdom that has been shared with us multiple times is that a husband and wife are most close when they are both close with God. The diagram below has always stuck out in my mind (perhaps because I'm a Geometry teacher). As the husband grows independently closer to God on the left and the wife grows independently closer to God on the right, the two naturally get closer to one another. The diagram is also a good reminder that our personal relationship with God should not be dependent on that of our spouse. (It is healthy to independently or interdependently develop our relationships with God, but it is not healthy to equate another's relationship with God to our personal relationship with God.) Even if one spouse feels distant from God, the other spouse's relationship can pull the couple closer. Imagine the wife at the bottom of her side of the triangle (the bottom right vertex, if you will). If her husband is even a little closer to God than she is, the distance between her and her husband is shortened (the length of the hypotenuse changes for the better). Even though I feel the following verse is referring to a spouse who is married to a non-believer, the diagram reminds me of the concept of "winning over" in 1 Peter 3:1.
2. Never talk down to your spouse or talk negatively about him/her to others. No one reacts well to someone who thinks he/she is better than him/her. (This goes both directions. I just don't want to keep writing "him/her".) Does this mean that you can't discuss marital issues with a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor? By no means! I see this advice most applicable in my marriage when Adam is doing something a different way than I might do it. Even if meant in the most sincere way possible, it's very difficult for a spouse to think you are being respectful when you say, "Well, if you would've done it my way, then that wouldn't have happened!" I also struggle with this when joking with others about Adam. Some jokes about something he "messed up" or is unable to do can be viewed as borderline disrespectful or embarrassing for him. While sometimes funny to joke about, I'm still working on making sure certain topics are okay to joke about in front of others. I know it's impossible to always know how a spouse will react, but it's worth the forethought to attempt to avoid conflict. (No ... my husband is not too easily offended. He's super laid back, but it's still important to think about.) On a similar note, offensive remarks by one spouse paired with defensive behaviors from the other put bystanders in awkward positions. No matter how close of friends they might be, others don't want to see you and your spouse arguing, rolling your eyes, etc. on a regular basis.
3. Marriage should be a cornerstone, not a capstone in life. This article presents an interesting perspective on marriage and college graduates. While I see the pros and cons of getting married before, during, or after college, I like the points that the article makes about the role of marriage in life. Marriage is not something you do once you get all your ducks in a row (capstone). It's something you do as you get your ducks in a row. As the article puts it, "Marriage actually works best as a formative institution, not an institution you enter once you think you're fully formed." See more on this in #4.
I'd also like to add that marriage shouldn't be a stepping stone. It's not about personal gain. Marrying to experience "the ring", engagement, a fancy wedding, getting pregnant, and having a baby will end in complete failure. Relying on the joy you feel in those particular moments will not get you through a marriage. The fact is, those moments don't last forever. In fact, they don't last very long at all. Marriage isn't about you or you being happy all the time. See more on happiness in the next section.
4. Marriage isn't as much about Adam and I as it is about glorifying God. I will not try to fully explain this, but if interested in a really great book about this topic, you should read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. As the book explains in great detail, our marriages are not always about being made happy. Often times, they are about being made holy. Holy more than happy! This includes the difficult process of learning how to ask for forgiveness and to extend grace in a Christ-like manner. It also includes enjoying God's design for marriage to the fullest. When we enjoy such things (like intimacy or perhaps parenting), they create in us a deep desire to seek a relationship with the one who designed it that way. I guess what I'm saying here is that there is a time for sharpening one another/difficult times and a time for simply enjoying one another. Both are meant to help us become more holy and to help our marriage glorify God. As much as society would not have us think so, marriage (and life) is not as much about our happiness as it is glorifying our God.
Well, enough typing for today! It's bedtime for this Momma! Perhaps I'll continue these reflections in a future post.
